We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
