do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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