fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
