I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
