The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
