broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
