God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
