Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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