Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
