I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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