am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
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he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
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A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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