These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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