after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
pop tarts are not kleenex
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
