I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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