I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
