so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
