When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
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i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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