chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
