So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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