we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
