where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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