just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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