And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
