covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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