So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
