you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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