There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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