Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
