the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
