i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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