sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
