If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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