There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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