Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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