Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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