remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You know, be my cock's hype man.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
