My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Pooping to opera.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
