Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
