fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
