My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
