there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
