3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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