I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
