Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The uberlube is also flammable
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
