In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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