you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
