She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
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i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
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So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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