PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
