So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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