I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
