My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I smell stomach acid.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
