Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
