I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
