just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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