I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
