remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
