My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
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She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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