I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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