Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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