the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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