last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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